Exposed 101

Bare with me as I get through this one…

I have a few toddlers, I live in the suburbs, I am creative for a living, and I hug pain like a long lost friend. I have sinned against myself by letting any and all of these things define me. I get stuck in false identities; “What will I be today? A songwriter? A stay-at-home mom? A victim of unmet ideals and dreams? A spiritual explorer?” My ego wants to hold onto anything that gives me pride and synergy. I’m, okay with that. But I know it won’t satisfy or heal the real thing I’m looking for.

I probably don’t appear to have a busy life, maybe….but the busy happens in my head. Constantly thinking, over-analyzing, scheduling, failing, hoping, comparing…it’s tiring, but if you’ve done it long enough, you find a balance. Until you crash. You know exactly what I’m talking about…

It was the perfect storm for me, which led to my crash last week. The kids got sick, their school had deadlines for me to meet, I lost inspiration for my side business (and thus lost business), I got super sick, and then had to cancel things that were important to me. Being sick, PMSing, and being bound to my bed made fertile ground for me to plant a lot of nasty seeds. Everything crashed. I hit a low that I haven’t visited in years. Who could I call for encouragement? Who could I reach out to without getting embarrassed or feel like I was burdening? People don’t typically know what to do with their own low moments, so what guidance could I seek that wasn’t already available from God? Would I even be open to someone who was going to try to break down these truths I’ve created anyway? I spent so much energy solidifying and proving them to myself…they were like beautiful pieces of artwork painstakingly made by my false self. My ego was quite defensive. It would take someone who knows Love well, who isn’t afraid of pain, to be able to crack these walls.

I hid my phone and didn’t check social media for six days. (applause) I gave myself space to quiet the comparison. *baby step #1* I had a couple people who reminded me of love in friendship, and it was a big jumpstart to my recovery. See, False Self?.. people do care…even if there are few. #qualityoverquantity

All that time got me thinking….Who am I trying to be put-together for? …You? Is it the people whose social media lives seem perfect?  (Isn’t it exhausting to try be as exciting in real life as you seem to be on social media??) When I get past my ego, I can see that I am trying to be EVERYTHING…for me. There are a million things I want to be, and there are a million characteristics I want to have…but I am embarrassed still to admit that I am learning who I am, apart from the influences of others. I am learning to own the things about me that I love, but few might appreciate. That’s incredibly scary, because it makes me feel isolated and unwanted. I’m having to confront that I don’t have a personality that draws people to me, and that I actually might push people away without being aware of it. The deepest grief comes from believing that I’m irrelevant. I do know that I am purposed for something, and I have to settle my engines and give space and grace to the uncovering of my promises. Nothing sustainable comes from something that has been rushed into form.

If I learn to focus on the things I love about ME, then I have to believe that God will pull together a beautiful network of people (big or small) that can love those things about me too. It doesn’t mean I alienate the people who can’t see (or prefer) those things, it just means I don’t have to put energy into proving to them that I’m valuable, or worth the energy.

The pressure we put on ourselves is wasteful. There is a balance, different for each of us, that challenges us to grow, but doesn’t pressure us to become. Whatever you might be dealing with now, let go of your grip on it and watch it untangle itself. With a little self-care, healthy conversation, and perspective, healing is close.

-k