What people may think…

I’m just jumping in head first, friends…
I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about people’s thoughts of me. I’ve been a bit confused, feeling a sense of indifference in some connections that never had conflict. I should note that these thoughts aren’t typically positive, and those kinds of thoughts aren’t very helpful. I wonder why we don’t ask questions…I wonder why we let our defenses get the best of us…or how we judge someone and then feel a valiant sense of self-respect for tightening an elusive border. Why is it so important for us to justify our barriers? …  Of course, much of this time was just me reminding myself that judgements are skewed perceptions that are selfishly (and typically) narcissistic reasons to put up walls. We all do it, folks. 

All this thinking is wasteful because I tend to believe people have judged me without much understanding or love involved. Intuition or insecurity? 

So, Hello, don’t leave just yet…😁

We acquire history with people. Some with whom has been pleasant; some with whom has been..ehh…”bumpy.” I’ve had relationships with people who have leaned in, and many relationships with people who opt out. Sometimes I’ve leaned in while I watched the other lean out (vice versus)…and it’s difficult to decide how to proceed.

That’s okay, I’m okay. 👌🏼

BUT

I wasn’t for a while. And I still trip up on feeling saddened and a bit alone. I put my money on half-truths and get caught up in why people might not want to have connection with me.  

pause: this is really vulnerable for me, y’all. Ugh.

It’s a normal human process to feel excluded, rejected, or overlooked. We’ve all felt it by someone. And we all don’t enjoy that feeling. So, why then, do we pay it forward? Obviously I don’t believe everyone does, but many of us do. Are we conscious of it? Is our ego so fierce for sexy/fun/thrilling friendships that we get bored or uninspired by some people, and simply take ‘em to the curb? Connection suddenly fades, texting comes to a halt, social media goes dark, and eventually no more Christmas cards get sent? 

Am I doing this right now with someone and don’t even realize it???

The reality is that each of us has A LOT going on. Since we’re motivated by different things, some people are simply looking for a need to fill, and find friends who meet that need. Meanwhile, people get silently pushed out and connection is officially broken. 

No, I can’t only communicate with you via social media and be satisfied to call you “friend.” 

But see? That’s my need. I am quenched by connection that requires actual decent connection. And if it goes dark, I simply presume that the person “opted out.” (Not saying this is the healthiest way to go, or true in any matter). But, what’s that quote? Oh yeah…

“Vibes don’t lie.”

I don’t (anymore) believe in the phrase “friendship isn’t one-sided.” Ultimately this is true, but what about the times when you know your friend is barely getting through? Is there grace for her/him to be lost for a bit? Is it personal? <—— Reflect back to above quote for intuition to rise.

At the end of the day, you know when someone’s positivity is directed toward you, or if you sense a break in connection. It’s entirely a personal choice to pursue or let go. 

I should also say, letting go shouldn’t be done with offense. A spiritual guide of mine once spoke of offense. In brief, he said that every time we feel offended, we must be aware that it is our ego that is taking the hit. Amazing, right? Our spirit has limitless access to grace, mercy, and permission. If we’re offended, we must do the inner work to resolve the parts of us that are fractured. What if that person didn’t actually hurt you, but rather exposed a part of you that has never quite healed? Here, grace sweeps in with violence, and your offense begins to weaken. Friend doesn’t become foe…friend becomes teacher. We then can thank God for the teachable moment and not hold said friend in a prison of hurt and blame.

That feels a lot better. 

I love people, and I have some beautiful relationships. My intention is never to hurt or cause pain, though, I know my insecurities speak on behalf of me at times. It’s important for you to be aware of your behaviors which may cause division. Typically, it’s when our brokenness is empowered by the scars that toughened us. What are your scars? What do they speak?

I hope you have good people in your life that hug you, believe in you, speak truth to you, and laugh with you. Remind them of how much you value them. It’s never too much.
~k