Show Up, Speak Up

In 2018, my goal is to show up, speak up, and fall up. Life with limited daily goals gives only so much gratification, so it’s time I take the pressure off my day-to-day expectations and offer myself a little space to grow and breathe. If I can actually do that – and focus on these three broader things – I’ll be a healthier person [eventually]. #goals

I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s recent book “Braving The Wilderness,” which has had me shouting colorful interjections to the beautifully-written words on ALL the pages.  Never have I ever felt more known in reading a non-fiction book. I’ve taken notes page-to-page, and responded even to the non-rhetorical questions she asks. In reading this book, I am encouraged to be fully me wherever I go. Now, friends…THAT is hard to do for me. Wanna know why?

If I’ve learned anything in my life, I’ve learned to observe. I do it damn well. Some call it being intuitive, and others “prophetic.” If you just hush and observe the life happening around you, you get a lot of information. I had to grow the skill for unfortunate personal reasons when I was young. The sensitivity of my situation required me to be “on duty” in my observations at all times. The more in tune I was to a person’s emotions, the better equipped I could be in diffusing or distracting their behavior. It was a useful tool to curate, and it has been so incredibly helpful to me. Not knowing how to compartmentalize the threat of mistreatment, I carried my caution into the social parts of my life. I was very calculating in who I became friends with, and what repercussions those relationships might have. Every relationship had a consequence, and it became my passion to find out what it was. Unfortunately, I missed out on a lot of fun friendships because the risk of the consequence was too great. Over time, I learned how my defenses were limiting me, and I began into a journey of healing and recovery.

I still value the skill.  I can quickly read a room…I can sense a drove of emotions in others, sometimes even before the people identify them. I can tell when I make someone uncomfortable, or upset, or happy, or comforted. These responses guide me in how I navigate relationships with friends, family, authority, and strangers.

In forming this, I did a lot of hiding. I learned to be silent for the sake of peace. I’ve agreed with things I absolutely don’t agree with just to make people feel supported – to show my loyalty. I still carry this with me. If there’s a controversial situation happening, I have a million things I’d like to say, but stay quiet just so I won’t stir the pot or cause more time to be put toward a thing where it’s obvious a person isn’t going to take my opinion into account. I hate the feeling of being “against.” I’ve seen more disagreement than understanding; more rejection than solace; more division than inclusion. I’m so exhausted from all of the conflict – petty and important. Where and when does this stop?? Will I ever know a culture in which people feel fully free to be themselves, even if it’s ugly?? Can this exist at all? Or does it start within?

The only way I know how to move forward is to enter into a commitment that will probably look a lot like failure, but will look a lot more like me “showing up.” I must show up to myself. I must show up to my kids. I must show up to my husband, even though that isn’t fun. Friends, almost-friends, broken friendships, hopeful friendships,… …acquaintances, consumers, neighbors, mentors….I must show up to them all. If I don’t, I risk a life without true connection. If I don’t, I send the message that I don’t think I matter that much. I send the message to them that I am not willing to put both feet into whatever kind of relationship this is – or could turn into.

A mentor friend of mine said this to me once:

“What you can and what you can’t do will show you what you will or what you won’t do.”    

I CAN give my opinion when it’s hard. I CAN bring my full self to a conversation, even though I’ll fear the risk of consequences. I CAN show people that I’m proud of who I’ve become without feeling shame or pride or narcissism.

I CAN’T keep my thoughts and beliefs silent anymore to keep the peace. I CAN’T let my fear of what your opinions are be a cause of dissonance in our connection, or defer me from sharing my own. I CAN’T allow your judgements of who I am (or am not) determine how much of myself I bring to the table.

SO, this may take practice, but that’s okay. I WILL show up. I WILL speak up. And when I say I WILL “fall up,” I mean that – in all the falling, failing, and mistake-making I’ve done and will do – I will release them all, open up my hands, and allow all that shed burden to untie me from the chains of shame I’ve buckled into, so I can be lifted into a new way of seeing – from the arms of acceptance and grace.

Oprah made a statement during her speech at the Golden Globes where she said:

“What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have.”

My Truth has evolved, and will continue to do so. I’ve been so scared to share my current Truth, knowing it may change. But, if I don’t learn the habit of sharing what’s inside my head and heart now, I may not know how to convey my “ultimate truth” with wisdom and symmetry.

**May we learn to be patient with each other. May we have the maturity of heart to know that we are all peeling off old facades and uncovering rawer parts of ourselves that we’ve yet to get acclimated to. Do what you can, and let what you can do be enough for you. **

Happy 2018, friends.

xo

k